Thoughts On My Birthday

June 21, 2009

Well, it’s my birthday again, and so I guess I ought to write out a few of the thoughts I’ve been having lately. Call it a stream of consciousness view on my life as of late, or a bunch of useless babble, or something.

First off, let me say that there are a lot more posts coming soon – I’m working on 3 right now, it’s just that I lack internet access, I broke my iPhone, and I really lack the ability to connect to the technologically apt side of my life right now. I’m living and working at a hotel, bartending, cooking, cleaning, and doing whatever else is required of me. It’s bullshit work at awful pay in an unscenic location in an assbackward country, so why am I doing it? I don’t know really, but I know that my alternative is going back to the states and working there, doing something equally meaningless, and which made me absolutely miserable. I guess I just want to escape the cycle of depression, self-hatred, and misery that has plagued me for years now.

At least on that count, I’m succeeding – I’m happier here in Honduras then I have been in years, possibly ever. I’m learning by the day, new words, new customs, how to live a life alien to my own. It’s just something different then what I’ve been so long accustomed to, and that’s good, because I hated all of the things I did before I came here.

Still, I miss my friends, my family, my car, the internet – there were definitely high points to living in the states. I have to make do with a lot less of the technological aspects of life, and fight to stay connected to those I care about. Lately I’ve been slacking off, and so I haven’t even heard from anyone aside from the people I’ve been calling – the consequence of a phone that doesn’t take incoming calls from abroad – and it’s hard not to feel unloved when nobody even bothers to contact you on your birthday. Then I think “but this was my choice” – I could be at a bar celebrating tonight with my close friends, drinking, dancing, being happy, but instead I chose to come to this third-world country and scrape out a living here. Why?

I guess it boils down to this: I wanted to find out what real life was like – not US life, working a bullshit job to buy useless things to justify my meaningless existence as a wage slave producing nothing of value, but real life helping people, struggling to eat, living without the things taken for granted in the United States. At this I’m succeeding, though I don’t know if barely surviving is really a success – I must be crazy for choosing this life as a goal. Certainly the Hondurans think so, as they tell me constantly, and ask me why the hell I would move here. I don’t even have an answer for that – “it makes me feel like I don’t need to kill myself” hardly translates, and really just creates more questions then it answers. “I don’t feel so guilty for living an unsustainable, world-destroying lifestyle in a country that is destroying the world” is likeless insufficient. I guess I just am a glutton for punishment, and that’s why I get off on this self-depriving lifestyle.

Anyway, this is my first birthday outside of the US, and I’m thousands of miles from friends, family, lovers, and my old life. It’s been a pretty clean break except for days like today, where I find myself craving the familiar, the comfortable. I’ll be better off tomorrow, stronger, fresh, but tonight I’m going to cry myself to sleep over the things I miss, the people I can’t be with, the love I can’t have. I wish things could be different, that I could be happy living at home, surrounded by the people I love – but I can’t, so I won’t, and I’ll just keep wandering until I find somewhere to call home. Maybe next year I’ll be happy on my birthday, but for some reason I think it’ll be much the same – another year, still lacking purpose, still without someone who loves me, and still running blindly into the dark looking for meaning that doesn’t even exist. Raise your glass to the things you still have to find out, and I’ll be back soon to post something more interesting.

Cheers to you all on the anniversary of my birth,

-k

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One Response to “Thoughts On My Birthday”

  1. mousesurfer Says:

    The US is a great place to have birthdays. Hope it goes great!

    Come visit my blog. We talk about the latest news around the world and the web. You can also see our twitter, main site, and soon to be coming, forum! We also just recently got a domain! Thanks.

    Good luck with your site! Looks really good so far!

    http://mousesurferblog.com/
    http://mousesurferblog.com/


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