To Kenny

June 24, 2009

This has gone through my head so many times I can’t count:

“What’s the point,” you ask yourself a hundred times a day.  “It’s all fucked, we’re going down anyway, why should I care, why should I be happy?  There’s nothing I can do to make things better, so why try?  It’s easier to be depressed, to do nothing, to just not care anymore.”

“Fuck it all, I quit.”

“I don’t know how to be happy, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.  What’s the point?  Is there a point?  Is it a point worth caring about even?”

“Why the fuck can’t I be like the rest of them?  Look at them – they’re all happy,  they’re just living, working, moving in a slow empty circle toward death and oblivion.  I’m doing it too, but why can’t I accept it like they do?”

“What do I do when I see the world on a crash course straight into hell?  What ought I do?  What can I do?  Can I do anything?  Should I just keep my head down?  Should I stand up, try to act?  Or should I just run away,  save me and mine, and make due the best I can?”

“Why is my mind constantly seeing the bad, the decay, the fallen, the painful?  Why can’t I just block it out like everyone else, paste a stupid fucking grin on my face, and live?”

“What is wrong with me?”

These questions roll through my head still, like they have for years, ever since I started thinking for myself, questioning my world.  I don’t know the answers yet, and they still make me lose sleep sometimes, like right now.  I can’t figure out any of them, really, but I do know a few things that help me keep from taking my own life, or spending every day balled up in a corner or in bed all day.

What it comes down to is that I’m so damn lucky to just be alive – so many things had to happen, so much work done, so many coincidental events, chance encounters, freak accidents, acts of dog, whatever you want to call them – point is there’s a whole fucking chain of causality right back to the Big Bang that ties right into what I’m doing right now, and I’d better recognize that if nothing else, I’ve been given this splendid gift of life to use as I see fit. 

On top of that, life is amazingly short.  80 years? 100?  That’s a drop of piss on the toilet seat – it’s nothing!  The universe is so goddamn old, the planet so terribly aged, the world around me filled with plants, animals, rocks, whatever that will outlast me by bloody fucking ages.  I’ve no time to sit still, no time to lie around, and you don’t either.  We’re both in this for the short haul  a few laughs, some adventures, a lot of time sleeping and eating and shitting punctuated by brief momentary highs and lows.  We ought to be fucking grateful for the moments we do have to us, and realize that we’ve got to use our time to do what we need to in life – that which makes us happy, whatever we can do to better the world, to put our own little drops in the bucket.  Every second I spend sitting around feeling sorry for myself is another I’ll regret not having later on.

I know that I can’t always get what I want – I will have to settle sometimes for a choice I’d rather not make, a less-then-perfect situation.  Still, I ought to always try to get what is best, what I need, crave, lust after.  If I don’t, what the hell I am living for?  I know that I’ll regret the things I don’t do, never try for, give up on far more then my failures and hardships.  Those will be badges of honor once you’re far enough past them to have perspective. 

It comes down to this – even if it all falls down, even if we’re all fucked, there’s no way out, and the world as we know it is coming crashing down on our heads, that’s not a reason to give in, to give up, to lay back and die.  It’s a reason to get out there, to have the time of your life before you can’t anymore.  It might all be unavailable to you later, so you’d better get what you want now – better then spending your whole life regretting it. 

I’ll say no more – didn’t mean to preach anyway.  I’ve just had this all rattling around in my head for so long I couldn’t stand but to lay it out.  You ought to do whatever makes you feel most comfortable with yourself – to do otherwise is to go against your very nature.  Just know that in an insane world, sanity is not a healthy reaction – don’t try to be who you think you ought to, but be whomever it is that you really are.  You’ll find that life is a whole lot happier that way.

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One Response to “To Kenny”

  1. marzipanlilies Says:

    Exactly what I needed to hear after a very demoralizing conversation with my brother. May I steal this and put it up somewhere in my boarding school?


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