Junk in My Trunk

August 5, 2010

I was standing on the side of the road just now, changing into my work pants, and I got hung up digging around in the trunk of my car for a quart of oil. The car burns a lot now, 2 quarts or so every oil change, because she’s an old girl and apparently old girls leak a lot – it’s certainly true of the dog anyway.

Still, what caught up to me finally was the realization that I have entirely too much shit in my car. Way too much shit – enough shit to build a house almost. Therefore, I am making a list of all the too much shit I have in my car – here goes:

The interior is clean(ish) because I throw everything into the trunk. Nonetheless, I still manage to carry around a glovebox full of papers and notebooks, old receipts, the near-useless owner’s manual, some melted chapstick, the case to my glasses, a pile of pens, and god only knows what else. I don’t go in here because it’s scary. Under the seats I’ve shoved one of those dusting brushes I never use, a half-dozen copies of my resume, a Thomas Bros guide from 8 or 6 years ago, and some old french fries, which still look brand new but are hard enough to be weaponized. Oh, and there’s a remote for the stereo floating around somewhere, because everyone needs a remote for the things within arms’ reach, right? I used to have a lot of change in here too, but yesterday I went to the bank and turned that into about $16 – at least part of the whole mess paid off.

The trunk is undeniably “where it’s at” in the world of my having too many things – from all of my work clothes, aprons, and dirty laundry to the three towels and the pile of clothes I still haven’t donated to anyone yet, it’s getting rather full these days. There’s also a lot of tools – 2 crates of assorted rags, jumper cables, brake cleaner, a dozen pairs of vice grips and wrenches, a dashboard cover I will never use, carpet spot remover (as a joke apparently) carburetor cleaner for my fuel-injected engine, a volt meter with no screen or batteries, a lot of duct tape, an extendable magnet for the car parts I love to drop into corners of the engine compartment, an oil filter, an air filter, several quarts of various sorts of motor oil, and probably a lot more that I’m done digging for. Next to those boxes is a gigantic funnel I’ve never used that serves the purpose of keeping the 100 piece socket set from sliding around too much – by jamming the funnel between the rock climbing shoes and the running ones, it props the socket box against the back of the rear seat and anchors it from slamming into things while I’m playing speed racer. To the other side is the gigantic towel that never dries and is covered in surf wax, and under that are the shoes I haven’t worn since high school ceramics – they’re really comfortable though! I also have three shopping bags of clothes I will never wear again because they’re terrible, but which I apparently won’t donate either because I haven’t gotten around to it. There’s some dirty socks floating around, 3 work shirts, two pairs of black dress pants, a couple of aprons, a lot of pens, a handful of change, and probably some sort of flesh-eating virus or a gerbil underneath it all. Oh, and let’s not forget the baseball caps (CBG and Census both) which I have not and will not find any need for ever. Not last but also not least, I have the Census office manual that I found in the back, 400 pages of who gives a fuck, which made me laugh and inspired this list.

Here’s the real question – how much better would my mileage be if I didn’t carry an extra person’s weight in crap in the car everywhere I go?

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One Response to “Junk in My Trunk”

  1. e cigaretter Says:

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